dear blog,
i've been really busy and quite tired recently.. mostly because the due dates of all my projects are reaching(like in a weeks time!).. and my group members have all suddenly become hardworking..! almost without fail everyday we would be doing proj.. from noon till the evening.. and also for the rest of this week as well..
so i guess more or less for the rest of this week, i wont be able to go out.. lol.. well.. i want to go out.. but i cant.. cos i think.. no1 is really free or most ppl will be too tired to come out at nite.. actually.. anywhere is fine.. cos.. i dont really like to stay at home.. at least not when im alone anyway.. the clock tends to tick a tad slower.. and my mind tends to wonder.. which isnt very healthy.. haha.. tts why.. i'd rather be outside.. i dont care where.. just anywhere.. as long as im not alone in my room..
most of the time when im alone.. i feel like an empty shell.. i dont know why.. i just feel this way.. i get emo easily most of the time in fact..but seldom do i show it to anyone.. cos i tend to recover quite quickly.. only once in a long long while while i remain emo for a long period of time... i guess... the reason why im able to optimistic and easy going.. is because.. for the more recent part of my life(say maybe.. 4-5 yrs?).. whenever i feel down.. where isnt anyone there that will console and motivate me..? at least to my liking anyway.. lol.. even when i was really really down with all my problems.. i was the one going around consoling other ppl n listening to thier problems.. because.. i guess in their eyes.. my problems were simple problems.. lol.. =/
so.. how did i past those periods of time when i was down? i spent it alone in my room.. only with myself having to motivate n reason myself out of all the crap that was running around my head... it was really torturing and tiring.. having to reason whatever good there is left of whatever problems that i had.. but i managed.. maybe that is why i always can at least try to find any glimpse of hope there is for anything..
when im with certain ppl.. nothing about such tiredness or emo-ness will spring to my mind.. its like none of those exist.. my only concentration will be on whoever that is there with me.. only when im back home.. and the dust starts to settle and only the 4 walls staring at me.. all the wondering thoughts and negative things slowly will come to me..
that is why i do not like to stay at home.. cos whenever im at home or in my room.. i will associate it with the past.. thus.. automatically.. i will start to wonder.. and think.. and my mind will run wild.. ultimately spinning into the emo kind of feeling..
well... ya.. for the past few days.. its been really quiet.. i've been sitting in my room for way too long for my liking.. but apparently.. not much is going on for me.. my hp's been really quiet.. my msn list consist of a whole list of ppl that i do not chat with.. everyone is busy with thier own stuffs.. im just sitting here stoning most of the time when im not in school..
back in my army days.. i use to sigh a whole damn lot.. seriously.. all my army frens even acknowledge that fact.. so its really weird how this guy who sighs everyday like its the end of the world turn into a guy who ppl nowadays say is extremely optimistic.. i guess.. like someone once told me b4.. its because i've locked myself up in my room for too damn long in the past.. or up the mountain.. ultimately reaching enlightenment.. haha..
anyway.. i guess thats all for now.. feeling quite down recently.. thinking about various things.. but.. even if everything goes awfully wrong and i get nothing out of everything.. i guess i'll still be able to console myself.. hopefully..? =/
till next time.. cheers
yours sincerely and truthfully,
ben
.miracle happen at 10:23 PM.
