*the course of our life is determined by how we react, what we decide, and what we do in the darkest of times... the nature of that response determines a person's true worth and greatness..*

saw this sentence as part of my fren's msn nickname.. and it sets me thinking.. about who i am at this moment in time. the past.. not much really happened in my life.. pretty mundane and ordinary life by any standards.. which.. by any accounts.. is a good thing. right? no darkest of time.. no life threatening events.. no desperate attempts to save anything from falling apart.. no financial burdens.. pretty much quite well taken care of.. thanks to my parents. thus.. i am not really great at this point in time.. because i hadnt need to do anything much so far.. right? hmmm... i dont have to worry about so many things.. things that would tear people and families apart.. decisions that if made wrongly would destroy whatever hope and happiness there is left in them.. critical choices that would make or break one's future..

so.. why oh why do i feel like crap because i am fortunate.. why u ask? its probably because i hear this "you'll never understand cos u've nv been through it" sentence , and being angry at me none the less, one too many time. (okie.. maybe just a couple of times.. but still..)

there arent many things that can get on my nerves.. in fact, rarely.. is there anything that can do that to me.. n even more rarely.. do anyone at all.. seen me angry. but. this is one sentence that without fail.. sets me up. why am i talking about such things..? because couple of days ago.. i heard it said to me again.. well.. a slight variation of it anyway.. the previous few times someone said such a thing to me... hmmm... i didnt maintain contact with those frens anymore. actually.. i remember 2 particular case.. lol..

so suddenly a person who claims to be less fortunate has a god given right to be angry with the not so fortunate? and thus with this "u'll never understand.." sentence, it makes them feel greater and on a higher plain than any other people?

if ppl see me as being fortunate.. thats perfectly fine.. even though i myself think im jus an average ordinary guy.. but dont get angry because of such.. i hv did nothing wrong. its not my fault that my parents are more business savvy. its not my fault that i dont hv to worry about any problems. and its certainly not my fault for making such people mad because i try to understand and care of people..

its called empathy.. and i think many people lack this word in their dictionary. that is why many a times.. ppl get angry or hate one another.. u can say i am very realistic.. but.. im not.. i believe in connections at the top. but i have none.. i believe playing politics get u to places.. but i seldom engage in any.. i believe in setting high expectations for myself.. but i always expect the worst.. i believe in many things that people deem to hate to the guts.. but i rarely expose myself to such things..

people say i am innocent.. chun zhen.. i have nv seen the world.. that i have no idea how hard life can be... that is very wrong.. i know how hard life can be.. i know what works in the world.. maybe not as much.. but still i have some ideas of it.. i know how poor people can be.. i also know how filthy rich a person can be.. i have seen them.. but yet.. i am still.. what ppl deem me to be.. innocent.. chun zhen.. like a protected child..

so... who am i..? realistic.. yet always in my own fantasy world..? pessimistic.. yet always being optimistic..? scheming.. yet always being true to heart? knowing that i am able to do it.. yet always anticipating the worst..? lonely.. yet always being cheerful..? crude.. yet always unable to criticize?

its been quite some time.. since i wished i can graduate as soon as possible.. i want to go out and work and earn my own money.. get my own life.. my own house.. my own car.. and many more.. because i am quite sick n tired of people saying that i am fortunate.. yes i am.. so? get on with your life already.. if u genuinely want to congratulate me for being so.. than good for u and may u be blessed. but if ur jealous and want to get angry, make fun of, and ridicule me for me being so.. than please proceed on with dwelling in that miserable life of yours. cos i have no interest in what happens of u.

so please dun blame me for being fortunate.. dun blame me for not being in a worse position than i am right now.. dun blame me for trying to have empathy and be understanding..

because.. who am i....? well.. its up to ppl to judge.. but.. i think... i am just a nice guy.. and like they always say.. nice guys finish last.. and being a lan hao ren.. brings u nowhere in life.. but.. i still believe in being nice.. because this is who i am.. and this is what i believe in.. =)


*ps. the above is just a rant cos i've been feeling a little under the weather lately.. lol.. it isnt directed at anyone.. even though i mentioned a couple of ppl.. please dont take it to heart.. just felt like i needed to talk about certain things.. cos i hope ppl can understand where im coming from.. ^^*

**ps. ps. erm... actually.. its because the person i liked said that to me.. so.. i felt under the weather.. lol.. cos.. if it was said by anyone else.. i couldnt care less.. but since she said it.. hmmm... it kinda shaken me a little.... but trust me.. i certainly hv no intention of breaking off contact with her.. nonono... i would rather die.. haha.. well.. since she did asked me once before if there is anything i do not like.. well.. i guess heres one thing that i do not like ^^ **

its been such a long time... since anyone hooked onto my arm, and lie on my shoulder.. it was a really nice feeling. one that i really enjoy. such cosy-ness, with a tint of 幸福-ness..? on my part at least.. lol. ("cosy-ness, with a tint of 幸福-ness"??? amazing how i try to describe the feeling with my limited knowledge of descriptive words.. haha.)

i wish it would have gone on forever... lol

hmmm.. after some stoning and thinking.. i think.. shy isnt the right word to use to describe me at certain times.. because, (at least this is wad im thinking...) i'm not your bf.. (as of now? though i really wished i am.. haha..).. thus.. i dont know what i can.. or cannot do.. whether certain actions will be too over, thus making it look awkward.. or too little.. thus making me look shy..

*i would love to hold ur hand.. knowing that ur hand feels emtpy.. i would love to support ur waist.. knowing that u often mis-step and tend to stumble a little.. i would love to offer u my arm.. for u to hold on too.. and my shoulder.. for u to rest ur head on.. knowing that u are feeling tired.. i would love to hug and hold on to u longer.. knowing that u too.. need such a feeling of tenderness.. and most of all.. i would love to provide u with warmth.. knowing that u will feel cold quite easily...i wish.. to ask u to be my gf...*

there are many things that u have told be before.. and i completely understand where ur coming from.. i think.. i will always remain "shy", at least until u have achieved the stability that u are currently searching for.. (*dreaming-mode* or... at least until u are willing to accept me as.. maybe something more..? haha..)

because.. knowing that u do not wish to allow urself to have a partner at this point in time.. i too.. cannot allow myself to attempt anything too drastic.. cos i should be giving u support.. instead of deterring u.. cos.. im afraid that if i do too much, u might back away.. and that.. i certainly do not want happening..

and besides, as of now.. with u being so determine to not have a r/s.. if i do try.. i would certainly fail.. wouldnt i? lol. and that would definitely affect whatever good and enjoyable time we're having together right now.. which isnt wad i want, because.. wad i want.. is to be with u.. lol.. (if not in those thosseee sense.. than its in the "go out together play be happy" kind of sense)
we still have a whole list of things that we will be doing together, and i am really looking forward to each and everyone of them.. and even more ^^

i think this is one battle that will slowly unravel with time.. (hopefully sooner rather than later.. cos i hv a theory.. but i'll talk about it some other time.. haha..) if.. i make it through.. i think.. i will be one hack of a fortunate guy. and i sincerely believe that.. u too.. will be a hack of a fortunate girl.. because.. if it all ends well.. u would have a much better balance to ur hopes and dreams.. and on top of that maybe even a having a partner that is able to take on ur ambition and ur limited nonsense? lol..

meanwhile, of cos, i will certainly try to improve on my "shyness", hope to hit that 50% that u mentioned.. haha.. and will improve on other things as well.. and strive in my studies.. and my career too..! its for my own good afterall. ^^

*daydreaming-start*
well... for all of the above.. unless.... u are willing to.. accept.. me.. as something more than a good friend.. sooner rather than later? lol.. well.. i can dream.. can i? haha.. omg.. wad on earth am i talking about.. lol.. (ps. okie.. i pray tt i didnt scare u away already.. lol.)
*daydreaming-stop*

blehh.. suddenly all these sounds like its a script out of a fairytale channel 8 drama.. lol.. and long-winded. ;p i tend to think alot.. if u ppl haven already realised.. haha..
but i guess.. these are my current thoughts on my current situation, and i dont want it to bottle up in me.. so there u go..! lol.

hmm.. till the nxt time~ ciao..!