hmm.. very long nv come here to blog le.. no1 reads it anyways.. other den her.. i dun know what i am feeling.. i dun know wad i shd do.. suddenly the world i live in seem so unstable.. haiz..
many things hv happened.. things r different now.. even though my heart still belongs to 1 person.. suddenly im starting to doubt if its the same the other way around.. neglected n alone.. im feeling as of now..
i try to accomodate.. to improve things.. the things i do.. used to did.. seems to not be working anymore. im really lost.. i used to say to her.. if she gets lost along the way.. dont worry.. i'll guide her back along the road.. but.. it now seems that i am the one that is lost.. but there is noone there to guide me back.. i wish for that person to be her.. but will what i wish for comes true..? i dont know.. i hope it will come true.. really hope..
time we spend together nowadays.. proberbly less den a couple of hours.. times we talked on the phone.. maybe just totalling up a few mins here n there.. msgs that are sent by me.. jus seem to travel 1 way.. nth seems to be rebounding back towards me..
often i ask myself many questions.. not that i want to.. but i just seem to be alone that often.. with no1 to talk to.. with no1 caring for me.. am i selfish.. to ask for certain things? maybe im asking too much.. but i really dont know.. i feel that these are just the basic needs for me.. to not be depress.. to be back to normal.. especially in a time like this.. when so many things are happening.. but i cant find that.. no matter how i try.. i cant seem to find any..
she told mi she still has feelings for me.. upon hearing that.. i was really happy.. even though.. im not the only one.. i was genuinely happy.. but.. i dont feel it.. i really believe her words.. the things she said.. but what i hear.. n what i feel.. are not the same.. thats y.. im in such a state right now.. i try to seek the ans.. but its not coming out..
to meet her.. im very happy.. but.. is she happy..? i dont know.. she always seem vey annoyed by me.. apperently because i hv a "want to cry" face.. i cant control it.. even though i really dun hv the feeling to cry sometimes.. she stil says that she is annoyed by that look of mine..
normally.. there is always a reason why ppl will feel the way they are.. i feel the way i am now.. is proberbly because of countless reasons.. all being kept right inside of me.. i want to pour them out.. but i think she isnt interested in doing so.. or at least hear what i hv to say.. the slightest of things i try to say.. and she gets annoyed.. so i keep quiet.. thus.. that face or look that i have that makes her even more annoyed..
please.. tell mi what should i do. i know i am naive.. some frens said so.. some said im gullible.. believe everything i hear.. some say stupid.. some ask y am i still holding on.. of cos some try to console me.. saying that she is still young.. some say that its her lost.. some say things will turn out well..
its true.. i am tired.. but.. tired isnt a reason to quit.. i really want to see wad we promised each other to come true.. but.. i need support.. i really need something at least.. from her.. at least to indicate that what i am holding on to do indeed hv a glimmer of hope.. to indicate that i am doing the right thing.. that its all worth while..
i have become a shadow of what i used to be.. a fraction of what i can be.. i dont even think that i am myself anymore.. i hv little to no confidence.. i proberbly also swollowed down all my pride along the way.. ego..? i do have.. occasionally.. but that is also on its way down.. i've been called to many names tt i've lost count.. bullies..? nope.. she call me those names.. stupid.. idiot.. ugly.. are the more common ones.. i've had my hair pulled so hard.. she says she is playing.. says that if i not happy than she dont play with me anymore.. beaten by her on my face.. body.. slapped.. as much as i detest it.. i seldom say anything.. i dont feel good.. but i just let her.. i dont scold her.. i dont know how to.. i dont want her to get angry or annoyed because i scold her.. but yet.. annoyed n angry is what she gets most of the time when im around.. of cos i want to play with her.. but all these.. its more like abuse den playing.. its driving all my moral.. my pride.. my confidence.. all down..
sometimes when i try to tell her about certain things.. she says that if im really that unhappy.. lets break up.. i do not want to break.. i just want to solve the problem.. breaking up.. isnt solving anything.. i want to talk about matters.. maturely.. together with her.. the occational times that this happened, i was really pleased.. even if it meant bad things for me.. i am still glad in the end.. i just want to talk about things.. so that we know each other more.. so that nothing gets bottled up inside both of us.. its hard sometimes.. but its still better to do so..
sigh.. if there is a bigger failure den me around.. pls do tell mi.. because i think.. i am a huge failure.. i dont know why.. but i just feel this way. until someone can prove that i am not.. until someone shows me what a wonderful person i am.. until someone is glad to be around me.. until someone show me respect.. until anyone at all.. any person.. hopefully by her.. i will carry on to think that i am a failure.. because nothing i do.. nothing i say.. has any significance.. doesnt makes any difference.. especially to her.. i do hope that she will prove me wrong.. i really wish for that..
but for now.. im just a failure..
.miracle happen at 11:48 PM.
